I actually had something else planned for today's post but after a gruelling, banging-my-head-against-the-wall kind of a day I decided to vent...I mean, WRITE, about something else.
There are times I am eternally grateful as a woman that I am in control of making my own financial decisions. Days like today just make me want to be single forever!
I am going to talk about a client but no privacy will be breached. I am not in fear of them reading this as they are older and not very computer literate.
Admittedly, as I dealt with first the wife, who was in tears, and then her arrogant husband, stories from my various friends situations rose to my mind. By the time I got home tonight I was so angry but I am not sure if it is with myself or the man or our education system- the worldwide (this couple came to Canada, educated elsewhere.)
One of the reasons I wanted to get out of accounting and into financial planning was due to what I saw happening with women, men and finances. Too many women had their lives destroyed due to money and financial issues. Too many women had relinquished control to their mates. Some want control, and want their husbands to be involved, but can't get the guy to budge! So much of all of this could be prevented with proper planning.
Don't get me wrong, I do have quite a few clients who have worked out their financial plans comfortably together, but too often the wife says, oh let him worry about it!
I base so much of what I do on education. I spend a lot of time with my clients making sure they understand risk; management of risk; product options; pros and cons of the decisions they make. Many companies have many product solutions, but what it boils down to is your advisor. Your advisor needs to be involved, caring and after your best interests. It is a life time relationship.
For the most part I generally have the men who have pretty good knowledge of insurance and wealth management; then there are those who tell you they know more than you:)
If I am setting a good environment then there should be no intimidation or fear for the client to admit they are not so knowledgeable. Women are generally pretty quick to tell me they may not understand everything. I am not afraid to tell them if there is something I am not sure about. No matter what my qualifications are- each situation is different. I have access to a lot of resources and specialist- that way I can offer much more to my clients- I don't have to know it all! Lastly, I spend a lot of time looking at all the angles to ensure my clients are well looked after.
My frustration comes in when the woman looks to the man and says, "Dear, how much do I make?" Or "I don't know, he looks after all the finances." What angers me is the man who, like today, does not allow his wife to be independent and make choices about her own finances.
I have worked with this couple together and separately. He believes he knows a significant amount about financial planning. I give him the info I am compelled to for compliance reason. If he chooses his own path, this is his right. It is what it is.
However....
His wife has her own career, pays the bills, has her own mortgage etc. This woman put both her children through university with a dedication unlike anything I have seen. She is not afraid to ask the questions. Yet, if she makes choices about her finances and her risk management without consulting her husband first, she faces anger and verbal abuse from him. (He was invited to the appointment but he did not show up due to work schedules.)
Like I said, she was in tears. She thought she was making the right choices. I asked her what her concerns were, what his were. I responded to each concern and then called him.
The first time this happened-I was able to get him to meet with me. When I went through everything with him he not only agreed to what I was proposing for her but he wanted the same plan setup for himself!
But this time, no matter what I said to him, he told me he would not agree to let her do this! And you think we have come far with equality ?
It is fine for us as advisors, or anyone out there who is reporting on the need for women to get more involved with their finances. We often hear in the news how in this big wealth transfer- it will be women who holding the money... women should be educated...should be involved... whether on their own or through a trusted advisor.
No one talks about situations where the woman is simply not allowed to make their own financial decisions. No one talks about what women should do if their husbands who are ego based and use their will to subvert their wives. We, as advisors, can talk all we want- the women in this type of situation are on a whole different plane. It saddens me, along with the frustration, the helplessness. If things do not change for these women they could be so profoundly impacted now and in their later years.
The big wealth transfer that everyone is predicting so involves women! The extent of it is not important or shall I say how big that number is, is not important. What is important, that women have to keep in mind, they will likely outlive their man. And even in the case where they both live long lives- they will need their savings to last a long time.
If you consider that you will retire around 65 and the average expiry date is 85- a whole 20 years of income is needed. If the woman took time off to raise children, their wealth can be significantly less than a man's. If you are married, you have to understand the long term impacts of your lives together- including finances.
The other thing, (if you have a good advisor, they will talk to you about this) there are really three stages of retirement- the go-go years; the slow-go years and the no-go years.
What do I mean? If you make it to retirement without suffering a critical illness or a disability- first count your lucky stars and give yourself a HUGE pat on the back. Second, you will be full of energy and be far busier than you were when you were working! - Hence, the GO GO Years (From what I hear from all my retired clients.) No matter who you are, you start to slow down and can be faced with health issues. The last stage is real slow or by now you require some form of home care. The cost of being a senior in the later years- well, think about the cost of raising a child! Ok, I won't draw the analogy- I will leave it to you!
Ladies, Ladies, Ladies- your finances are your freedom, your protection and your income. I urge you to be informed and well protected in all areas. For those of you who are controlled by your husbands- you can only do what is best for you. It will be up to you to find a way.
Of course, I beat myself up as an advisor. I wonder if there is something I could have done differently. But, if the guy won't come to the table, won't support his wife, my hands are tied.
So, I need to put my raging ego into some chamber in my mind and shut the door. Breathe deep....send love and light and just let it go...
Some good reading material:
Although this article is American and is dated 2004, for the most part I think it has some sound advice. http://www.smartmoney.com/personal-finance/marriage-divorce/the-six-financial-mistakes-couples-make-15414/
It is not a big revelation that the biggest thing couples fight about is money. As a Canadian I love Gail Vaz-Oxlade. She has lots of very good insight and info.
Some other thoughts to Ponder:
I think that our education system needs to build topics on money, financial and risk planning in to the curriculum.
Couples should spend a great deal of time talking about financial compatibility before they get married. PreNups may make some couples cringe, but may be necessary. As with anything else, if you think you can change the persons mind once you are married, you are in big trouble. Of course there are no guarantees no matter what steps you take.
In the end, we all have choices, what it boils down to is what we are willing to sacrifice or even change within ourselves.
Love and All Good Things,
The Peaceful Matriarch
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